Vividness

I've had my worst week in a long time. Mostly I've been in bed, so tired I just lay there, close my eyes and breathe. I haven't been able to leave the apartment except once to look at a tree.

I was determined to write a blog today though, and I failed. What's below is not what I wanted to write about...stem cells, depression, antibiotics, hard decisions. I kept forgetting what I wanted to say halfway through each sentence. This just came easier. I look at my notes now and it's like hieroglyphics. I wish I had one of those speech to text programs. I think I would be able to say what I want to coherently, but maybe not. Maybe I stopped half way though each sentence because there was really no idea at the beginning of it. Sometimes you wake up from a good dream and think, “This is a brilliant idea!” and then a few seconds later realize that there was no idea at all. I'm afraid that might be happening when I'm awake.

My friend Tim, by the way, really did have a brilliant idea in a dream though: a t-shirt for a dog with a kite attached!

Yesterday I did something quite out of character for me. I left the apartment...wait there’s more...just to walk to the sidewalk and see a jacaranda tree in full bloom. I've never been one to be inspired by the beauty of nature, or beauty of any kind, really, but I wanted to see this tree. Jim had noticed it a few days before and took a picture of it with his phone. It was a beautiful picture, particularly so on his LCD iPhone screen, he showed it to me while I was in bed. I actually got up for the first time that day and went to the window to see if I could see it, but I couldn’t. I love these trees. I have a picture somewhere of the purple petals fallen all over my old Saab. I think I first noticed them years ago when I came out to LA from Syracuse for spring break, driving down Hollywood or Franklin, suddenly seeing all the purple flowers and thinking “What kind of wonderful tree is this?!” The next year, when I transferred to USC I recognized them on campus and sitting among them I really did have this feeling of awe and privilege.

I couldn’t go out and see the tree that evening, it was a few days before I finally did, yesterday. My legs were shaking as I walked down the stairs. I had to hold on to Jim for support and he practically had to carry me back up them. I don’t know for how long these trees bloom, it seems like only a week. There were already a lot of petals on the ground when we got there. They made the grass seem greener and I wanted to lie down on it, but I didn’t because the ground was wet. I remember thinking how strange it was I was feeling such a strong attraction to these vivid colors. I think I associate vividness with energy. Once during an acupuncture session, I came in feeling especially run down, and a few minutes into the session I felt this rush of fullness, adrenaline maybe, but it was like someone had turned a dial in photoshop and turned up my contrast and saturation, and I leapt out of the background and rejoined the world again.