This is one of the intros in Susan Griffin's memoir about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, What Her Body Thought. It just came in the mail today. I call it an intro but I don't really know what to call it. It's not an epigraph, there are already two of those, one is from Dante. I don't fully know what it means yet because I stopped reading after the first few paragraphs. I thought it might have something to do with Dante, I think the word "descent" tipped me off, but when I googled it the only thing that came up was the book itself. (And now this blog comes up too.)
I wanted to recap this evenings events in my private livejournal and then go to bed. I was just going to glance through this new book first, see what it was like. I already had my livejournal window open and my subject line written when I opened it and started reading.
I found out I tested XMRV positive today. I'd already journaled about it earlier, just three sentences, about what little impact I felt, and how this lack of emotion must prove just how sure I'd been that I had it. I sent a quick email to my parents and my boyfriend, (who wrote back "Don't know if congratulations are appropriate, but...") Then I forgot about it. I went shopping. (One store, one specific item in mind, and out) Then I went to therapy, talked animatedly for an hour, but barely mentioned it. I talked mostly about how hopeful I was feeling lately about Dr. Cheney's protocol. Then I went to Erewhon to buy goat's milk kefir and bee pollen. I've been happy with the coconut milk kefir, but I kept hearing goat was better so I tried it, but the vegan in me felt wrong drinking goat's milk, said I was doing good on the coconut and should just go back to it. Then I read in The Body Ecology diet about how goat's milk produces mucus which lines the stomach and can soothe the intestines, which I need, so I decided I'd switch back. The bee pollen was because I am reading Superfoods and bee products are the fourth superfood. It's actually recommended on Dr. Cheney's blog. (The book, not the pollen.)
I came home and rested, pretty satisfied with how much I'd done. Then I wrote more in my journal, not about my successfully busy day, but my thoughts, sparked by this onion av club article, on how Conan O'Brien's exodus just shows that no one my age cares about The Tonight Show and its implications on what it would mean to work in television and all entertainment media in the future, etc, etc. The point is I was feeling pretty good. I was pretty sure it was due to the raw cacao beans I'd eaten (superfood #2) The first time I had raw cacao, at Cafe Gratitude in San Francisco, I was really, really, happy.
Then I went over to my boyfriend's and sprinkled bee pollen on my salad. A half hour later I was nauseous. I get nauseous a lot, but it hadn't been that bad in a few weeks. I did the drill, tried to think of everything I'd done different that day. ("My enzymes finally arrived...but they never made me worse before...I had coconut water kefir AND goat kefir, but that was hours ago...can you have too much kefir...?") I knew it was the bee pollen though when I threw up. I often get nauseous but I never throw up.
Feeling defeated, I went home to drink some warm broth and get into bed, but not before quickly writing a private journal entry about what happened. In the subject headline I wrote "vomiting like icarus" and then came up with the sentence, "